Christmas season can be a time of inner battles. There's the joy of tradition while we mourn what is different from the year before. There's the birth of the Savior as we mourn those who aren't with us anymore. There is the joy of family coming together and the hard of so many different opinions and trajectories. There is the excitement of the lights and music with the hard of unmet expectation. There is the conflict between the desire to take time to be together and the busyness of all we need to do. There's the reality of our financial difficulties with the pressure of buying presents.

All of these inner battles can feel exhausting, even as we try to keep our eye on the Savior who bridges all battles and heals all the hurt.

My Inner Battle

I have been fighting an inner battle the last couple of weeks. My shield of faith is struggling. Fiery darts of fear were penetrating my heart and filling me with worries as I missed family and all we left behind.: 

“What if moving to Mexico was all a mistake? What if you were blind to important truths when you made this choice?"

"What if you put other people before your own kids?"

"What if in your zeal, you became proud and wanted to reach beyond what was yours to reach for?"

"What if all of these lost opportunities to be with family: hiking with your daughter in Utah, or having Sunday dinner with your parents, or having awesome mentors and classes for your kids there, or having Bill home in the evenings… what if all of this current loss was because of blindness to what was most important in a wild goose chase to what was not yours to fix?"

Running from Fear

To run from that fear, I would do more to try to fix it…  more work, more posts, more fundraising, etc. If I could just get us to the resources we needed… THEN I could enjoy this season with my family and it will have been worth it.

I knew I needed to make time with each each child even in all this craziness. Things felt right for a moment during those times. But then back to the worry and the work. 

For example this little time off with Joy last Friday was exactly what i needed after another day of fear and doubt.

But then back to the reality of our situation and how I somehow had to dig us out and into what was “supposed” to be happening. Shovel, shovel, shovel.

Counter Thoughts

I fasted for direction last Sunday and felt a beautiful peace as I prayed before going to dinner. A peace that said:

“Come what may and love it.”

“Things are going according to HIS plan so don’t try to force them into yours.”

“Just trust Him and enjoy the ride you’re on.”

And “Don’t worry so much. I have plans and means in my hands. You be mom first and foremost. Trust me to take care of the rest, just with whatever you have left over to give to the work here.”

What peaceful thoughts.

Could they be true?

What if?

Could I get to enjoy my kids here and enjoy our time serving together instead of pushing for things to come to be?

Maybe everyone was so grumpy lately because I was too busy trying to fix things and not focused enough on strengthening our family.

I pondered this as I woke up the next morning. The inner battle began again. I thought about how my daughter is getting married and about this lost time with her, how my oldest son will soon be moving to Utah and I won’t get to see his smile every day, and how I just want to be camping as a family forever and not be so far apart.

I thought of some of our past experiences together. I cried and cried about the losses we have experienced because of our own choices to move here.

Correspondence

I wrote Heavenly Father a letter in my journal as I poured out my heart to Him. Why are the fruits not what I hoped for? I was expecting greater family unity as we served together. Instead it felt like we were being pulled apart. I would not have chosen to come if I had known then what I am experiencing now. Could I hold on to the hope that I will someday look back and feel it was worth it? 

These are the thoughts He gave me:

What are some of the things you did not like for your kids in Utah?

I wrote some down: the constant pull of friends and activities away from home, influences of wealthy people around them that made them crave more “stuff,” not feeling as needed in church service (there was a concentration of faith and talent there), things came too easy sometimes and I sometimes saw entitlement creep through.

Then: What are some of the things you do like about living in this small town for them. 

I wrote some down: the lack of pretense, more humble surroundings and people, beautiful birds and flowers, less distractions pulling them from home, more opportunities to serve in the church

The thought came: What is it you are not doing that you hoped to do? 

I hoped to be serving together. Instead I feel like I’m running all the time and the younger kids are watching and not really part of it until I ask them to clean something. I am carrying so much weight and not being there for them as I would like to be because it is so heavy.

How can you serve more together then?

What if we worked on preparing musical numbers together?

What if we taught English here together?

What if we took more time to just play together?

English Classes?

I paused my letter an put out a post on the town Facebook page to see if there was interest in English classes. The comments started pouring in immediately "I need this." "Sign me up" "I am interested." So far it has almost reached 500 likes and has over 40 shares and 200 comments. There is a need here.

Dear Heavenly Father, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO FILL ANOTHER NEED!

What if I am so focused on getting the means (funding) to the end, that I am forgetting the end (creating a healing, growing place where people reach their potential and impact the world) of why we came?

The community has a need we can fill. We can serve and build relationships. The kids could earn some money. This new skill would help those around us get better jobs and increase the economy.

If I stopped focusing on so many things that need to be done, and I focused on why we are here: To serve the people together as a family, and help create a community of healing, growth, purpose, and impact, how would I start?

I'd start in my own heart with my own habits.

Then I'd move to my family's goals and how we could support each other in this work of gathering.

Then I would look for the needs in the community and how we could serve them as a family.

My Own Heart: Faith Practice

I closed my letter knowing I had some pondering to do. Later that day, I also saw that the boys were getting ready to play soccer and I asked if I could come (even though there were many things I wanted to get to online for fundraising). I felt so much peace being with them instead, and enjoying being a mom.

I saw Joy playing by herself as I was going to go to the computer and finally get to that work I was hoping to get done that morning. I felt a tug to go play instead. It was so fun to be with her.

As I sung their bedtime songs I had an idea about how I could do the things I was hoping to do online in a much faster way. I got a little work done after they were asleep- I think more than I would have gotten if I had done it through the day instead of being with them. God has a way of making the sand fit in when we put the rocks into our jar of life first. He is so good. 

Serving as a Family

We preformed a song at our church's Christmas party the next day. Here are parts of it along with some of the fun talents of others in our congregation.

We don't have a keyboard at home so we got there an hour and a half early to practice. Our timing wasn't great, but it felt good to be serving as a family. What if we practiced more things like this (as soon as we can get a keyboard anyway so it sounds better ;-) )

Again the thought: What if I gave up trying to do everything and I focused on why we are here? Then let God make His miracles with the seeds of love we plant.

Maybe we can start by teaching English a couple times a week? I'm still pondering this.

I am so much more at peace now though. Somehow I was filled with courage and perspective today and the fiery darts of fearful thoughts did not penetrate my heart. Instead I felt gratitude for this experience and trust that God would unite our family even more through it, even as we are far a part. My head felt more clear and somehow I just knew things would work out. I don’t know where that courage came from after being filled with so much fear. Well, actually I do. And I am so grateful for that gift from Him who knows my heart and fixes what is broken.

The Victory

And that is why I love Christmas, even through the mourning, the unmet expectations, the financial stress, the added things to do... because it reminds me that a baby was born at a time of mourning, in an unexpected place, in financial struggles, with so much to do... and He overcame it all. I need to stop stressing, shoveling, running, and looking back. I need to remember that I am yoked to Him, we are each yoked to Him. We do not carry the weight alone. We can move forward with Him on His path for us, in peace, because we know all battles, inner and outward, have already been won.