A Very Sad Birthday

Joy had a very difficult birthday.

But like always, Heavenly Father was well aware of how hard it would be, so He prepared a really fun party for her on Monday.

I say He prepared it because I didn't have the mental space (with the two weddings and some hard stuff happening) to plan it. It came together with her friends who could come last minute and an aunt who is an artist and made it so cute, and family and friends who made her feel so loved.

As I watched it come together, all I could think was how much Heavenly Father loves Joy and wanted her to have a special day in the midst of all the crazy.

Now I see it even more clearly as He knew that her birthday would not be very easy.

Wednesday

We didn't sing her a song in the morning and give her cards as is our tradition.

My heart was so so heavy that we were leaving four of my kids in Utah to go stay in Houston.

William and Cassia were married. Jess and Dallin decided to stay with my brother to get jobs and earn some money (despite my best efforts, I can't yet pay them for working for the nonprofit. They were happy to volunteer all their time this last year, but the reality is that they want to be a little independent too and make some money for their future).

We packed as I thought of how our family is scattering and feeling so terrible that we no longer live in Utah so I could stay with them.

It wasn't until the car was almost packed that I remembered it was Joy's birthday and gave her a hug, apologized for not waking her up with a song and cards, and told her we would do it in Texas.

In her typical Joy sweetness, she smiled, giggled, and said it was okay.

Goodbyes

We said goodbye to Cassia and my brother and his family then dropped off Jess and Dallin at my brothers.

These kids have been united through some really hard things, along with the miracles, in Mexico, over the last year. Splitting up like this was so so painful. I can't bear the thought of going back without them.

Coen would not let go of Jess. For me, walking out of my brother's apartment felt almost impossible. My legs almost collapsed on me for the second time that day.

The News

We got in the van, everyone in tears, and started to drive to Houston. After driving about an hour, Bill asked Joy why she was crying right then.

She said she missed her friends and siblings in Utah and her kitten in Mexico. She asked if we could check on her kitten who was pretty sick when we left.

The sweet, sweet woman, MariCarmen, who was caring for the kitten replied that she did everything she could but the kitten didn't make it.

Joy sobbed. We prayed for comfort.

Comfort

We were reminded what a blessing it was that this sweet friend had been willing to take the kitten. We tried two other homes but she would have had to stay in a kennel or outside, and she was so sick.

Then we asked MariCarmen before we left, and she agreed to do it... even though the kitten was throwing up everything she ate, had to be fed with a syringe, and given medicine.

MariCarmen let the cat sleep on her bed (like Joy would do) loved her and took good care of her. Even though there was nothing anyone could have done to save her, we were reminded what a blessing it was that her last days on Earth were full of love.

Heavenly Father loves Joy and each of us. Some days on Earth are just plain awful, but He is always there loving us through the hard.

I am so in awe of His loving care.

Epically Failing?

And now we are in Houston staying with my parents. Bill is looking for work so we can earn money for the next phase of Mexico and so we can buy return flights.

We have learned that being apart as a couple a great part of the year is not healthy for us. Some people can do it well, but we are not very good at long distance relationships.

The kids didn't see their dad very much this last year. We either have to find a way to get good at long-distance, or find a way to be together with his career here and with the work we want to do there.

We think the second option feels more right. But we aren't sure how that could work right now. We just know that somehow it has to.

So we are praying lots for the doors to open to make that possible.

(Click on the pictures below to see a few more pictures from my kids' weddings this month. We were so so so blessed to have so many people come together to make these so special and beautiful for them!)

All the Buts...

Part of me wants to quit Mexico, with all the pain in my heart about leaving 3 kids in Utah and one in Idaho... I just want to go back to Utah. I was willing to sacrifice comforts and security for this work in Mexico, but leaving my kids was not a part of the sacrifice I was thinking to make.

On the other hand, they are all adults, and it's time for them to be trying things away from me. And they still want to help in this work and be involved in some way.

BUT if we lived in Utah, I could at least see them often. Jess and Dallin would still be living with me most likely.

I have this deep fear that creeps up once in a while.... that we moved to Mexico on some sort of whim... like thrill seeking. I prayed and prayed that this was not the case before we left... that it wasn't that I just wanted to chase something new (as is my tendency).

I vividly remember one night walking into the bathroom and noticing the nice warm tile floor, jacuzzi tub, beautiful view, large walk-in closet and warm shower. I thought,:

"Heavenly Father, I don't want to give this up. This is my dream home and situation. I have my parents nearby, I have waterfalls within walking distance out my backyard. We have amazing friends. Are we doing the right thing? Or is this just a crazy whim?"

Then the faces of each of the kids we knew at the orphanage started to come to my mind. I felt their need. And I was assured I was not doing this for me at all.

BUT it has been a year and we haven't done anything for those kids, or much for any kids at all. I have made so many mistakes in the process.

From an outside perspective we are epically failing... we are in Texas without a job or any money to get back to Mexico (the nonprofit does have some money thanks to your donations, but we don't want to touch it for family things...like getting to and from a wedding).

The road to our home in Mexico is a muddy mess.

There are so many mosquitos that we can't earn money with the ropes course until we get those problems fixed.

I've now lost half my kids (and biggest supporters physically and emotionally), and we have no idea how to move forward!

BUT from an inside perspective, we have learned SO much. It has been such a refining process. We have grown so close as a family through the hard things.

Our marriage is stronger than it has been in a long time.

We are learning how to really pray.

The kids know a lot of Spanish.

I can't think of a way to get better missionary preparation for my future missionaries than being part of an area opening for missionary work and watching people change.

AND I can't ignore the miracles! God has sent the people we needed, trucks, a ropes course with trees prepared for it in miraculous places, materials and resources as we needed them.

I have to trust that He will continue even if I don't see how right now.

So I hold on to hope that some miracle must be coming because it all looks so impossible right now.

Unless the plan is that we stay to work in Texas for a couple years before heading back.

But then so much tells me that we need to get back soon... impressions or nudges. Like the movie we saw on Saturday...

Burn the Ships

We watched the movie Unsung Hero.

There is a part where things are at an all time low financially and emotionally for the family. The mom takes the kids to the park. They are pretending to be pirates and they pick up pretend torches. She says:

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"Before we attack, did everyone bring their torches? I have mine. There is only one thing left to do."

Kids: "What, what is it?"

Mom: "We burn the ships. All of them."

"Wait, even ours? How do we get back?"

"We don't.... It's gonna be dangerous and scary. It's gonna be hard--so hard that we'll want to turn back. But if we know we can go back then we will. Giving up. Giving in. It's not an option. We have to fight our way forward. We have to win. Do you understand?"

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I felt that. Everything in me tells me that turning back is not an option... I just don't know how to move forward. But I know there has to be a way.

The end credits also said something really powerful. They mentioned that the family's early hardships prepared them for the work ahead.

We're Changing

Over the last year, I have developed a profound testimony that God is in the details of our lives. I don't think watching this movie at this time was a coincidence.

It was hard to watch (especially for Bill) because of all of the struggles (Dear God, does it really have to be that hard?) but also so good to see the miracles God is willing and able to create once we are in a place where we are ready to receive them.

I think we must be being prepared to be in a place where we are ready to receive them.

It hurts. It's super uncomfortable. But it's changing us.

The Prayers on the Wall

The other thing I loved in the movie is how the family learned to pray. I mentioned prayer in the last email... how I wanted to pray more like George Muller prayed. Something he would do is write a request in his journal and then go back and put a date on the margin when it was granted.

The family in the movie put up two papers with "Please" and "Thank you." Under each paper they wrote their prayers and when they were answered they put them under the "thank-you" column.

I LOVED the idea. On Sunday we gathered as a family (some on video call) and we took turns praying. I recorded it so I could go back and write down the "please" and "thank-you" 's on notecards. I am so excited about this way to seek and expect miracles. I can't wait to see what God does with what now seems impossible to us.

Guided Journals

While we are in Texas, my focus will be on finishing the guided journals I have been working on for over 5 years.

I know they will bless lives. Not only will they be a blessing to families here in the US, but they are the foundation for the youth development and leadership program we want to establish.

I am so close to finishing. I just need some time to refine and review. My goal is to finish at least the first one in 2 weeks. I hope being in Texas will help me get them all finished (there are 7). I will probably blog more right now too since I feel a need to process the last year in Mexico as we move into the next year.

How Can You Help?

We love and appreciate you who are on this journey with us and have donated or volunteered in so many ways to help us get this work going.

1. Right now, we ask for lots of prayers! We need to know how to move forward, and we need resources to create this refuge and home where kids can heal and develop into who they are on earth to be.

2. If you know of any groups or companies that I could come speak with please let me know. I will be in the US for the next little while and would love to go out and share some of our experiences and what we have learned.

3. If you know of any media sources or people we could network with, please let them know about us!

4. One of our goals in order to be able to care and educate the youth God is preparing for us is to have 100 monthly donors. We currently have 19. If you can help us find monthly donors for any amount, we would so so appreciate it!